April 1, 2015 --
Washington D.C. has been the home to the Marine Barracks since President Thomas Jefferson and Commandant Lt. Col. William Ward Burrows selected the spot in 1801. For more 214 years it has been the epicenter of Marine Corps’ tradition, ceremony, and a symbol of one of the finest military branches in the world.
In mid-2016 Marine Barracks Washington D.C. will be no more. The post will begin its move to a similar sized lot located just outside of Detroit, Mich.
"It has been decided, due to budgetary constraints, drawdown of personnel, and the incentives from the city of Detroit, that it is in the best interest of the Marine Corps to relocate our post to a new and fresh arena," said the Barracks public affairs officer Capt. Lane Kensington.
Already, just blocks away from the new lot, new businesses are preparing to open in anticipation of the arrival of the Marines. Two dry cleaners, three restaurants, a new pub, and used car dealership have approved permits and business licenses. A pawn shop and half dozen barber shops are in contention with the city planner’s office at the time of this article.
When asked about having to start over in a new post Kensington said, "well, we won't really be starting over. We have plans to move the existing buildings from the D.C. post brick by brick to the new post in Detroit."
The buildings that will be completely relocated are the main administration building, the Center House building, the General Officers Quarters, and of course the esteemed and sacred Home of the Commandants.
"It might be a bit costly to the taxpayer to dismantle, move, and reassemble, but we feel that America deserves its traditions. We are also utilizing local Detroit city contracting to build brand new barracks to house the Marines," said Kensington.
This is not the first time such a surprising move was planned.
"In the mid 1970s after the Vietnam War there was a plan to relocate further south into Virginia, mainly due to the discoveries of a possible mass burial ground of some early settlers from Europe," said Richard Yarborough, a facilities contractor overseeing the logistics of the move. "It was determined that the mass grave was buried deep enough not to have any effect on our operations and we had the post Chaplain sanctify and bless the grounds where the remains were discovered. It was important for us to keep the new Barracks haunted – and the duty standers on edge."
When queried about any other changes Capt Kensington also replied, "We are a bit put out about losing the "8th and I" moniker, however we are confident that the address in Detroit will be just as catchy and noticeable for all future generations of Marines to come.”
The new post will be located at the intersections of 4th Street and Myrtle Street.
So, in 2016 it will be, “Welcome to Marine Barracks Detroit, 4th and Myrtle” and Happy April Fool’s Day!